How to Radically Improve the Quality of Your Communication
🎧If you prefer to listen, check out this THRIVE Podcast episode (EN version at the bottom of the page) or just listen here:
Have you ever walked away from a conversation only to realize something was misunderstood, misinterpreted, or simply not heard at all? Communication is at the heart of everything we do, yet it's surprisingly easy to get wrong.
In this article, I’ll share some powerful insights and practical tools to help you improve the quality of your communication—whether you’re speaking, listening, dealing with emotions, or navigating tricky conversations. You'll learn:
How cognitive biases affect the way we communicate
A simple model for high-quality communication
A tool to stay calm and clear-headed during emotional moments
How to become more mentally flexible and open-minded
A framework to express your needs more effectively
How to become a better listener—and why it matters
Let’s begin with a riddle.
The Bat and Ball Riddle
A baseball bat and a ball together cost €1.10. The bat costs €1 more than the ball. How much does the ball cost?
If your answer was €0.10, you’re not alone—but it’s wrong. The correct answer is €0.05. Here’s why: if the ball is €0.05, then the bat (which costs €1 more) is €1.05. Together they total €1.10.
This riddle reveals something important: our brains are wired for shortcuts. We often go with the answer that feels right without taking time to think it through.
The Brain’s Two Systems: Fast vs. Slow Thinking
We operate with two cognitive systems:
The unconscious brain: fast, intuitive, and automatic (processing 11.2 million bits per second!)
The conscious brain: slower, more analytical (processing just 60 bits per second)
Because we’re wired for efficiency, we often rely on the unconscious to make decisions and interpret conversations. But this can lead to assumptions and misinterpretations—especially in communication.
Mood Matters
Our mood influences which brain system takes the lead:
When we feel safe and relaxed, we rely more on unconscious shortcuts.
Under stress, we shift to conscious thinking—but risk seeing threats where there are none.
So in both states, misunderstandings can easily creep into communication. That’s why awareness is so key.
1. The Power of Assumptions
Our brains are constantly filling in the blanks. But these interpretations aren’t always accurate. Consider this story:
Sam goes to school.
She’s worried about math class.
After all, she was unable to keep the students calm yesterday.
This is also not the job of a janitor.
With each sentence, your image of Sam likely changed—maybe from a child, to a student, to a teacher, to a janitor. This illustrates how our brains complete stories without all the facts—and why we should be cautious about the conclusions we jump to.
Key question to ask yourself
“Is this true?”
Is my interpretation based on facts, or am I filling in gaps?
And from the speaker’s side:
“Am I communicating the full picture, or leaving things out that seem obvious to me but may not be obvious to others?”
2. The Socratic Gates: A Model for High-Quality Communication
Ancient Greek philosopher Socrates offered a timeless tool for better communication—known as the Three Gates of Communication:
Before you speak, ask:
Is it true?
Is it helpful?
Is it kind?
These gates help us speak more thoughtfully—not just to others, but also in how we speak to ourselves.
3. Handling Emotions in Conversations
Emotions can hijack communication. When overwhelmed, we fall into fight, flight, or freeze mode—often saying things we later regret.
To manage this, try the Impulse – Impact – Intention model:
Impulse: What’s your impulse when the emotion starts rising?
Impact: What would happen if you acted on it?
Intention: What do you really want from this conversation?
This model helps bring awareness and choice back into emotional moments.
You can also use the STOP method:
Step back
Think & feel
Options
Proceed
Both models shift you from reaction to conscious response. And yes—sometimes all it takes is a few deep breaths, a quick break, or simply becoming aware of what’s happening inside you.
Meditation is a great tool to train this awareness by the way.
4. Expressing Needs with Nonviolent Communication
Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication (NVC) framework is especially useful in difficult conversations. It follows four clear steps:
Observation: What happened? (Stick to facts)
Feelings: How did it make you feel?
Needs: What need or value was unmet?
Request: What would you like to happen instead?
This method avoids blame and opens the door to understanding and change. Even if the other person doesn’t meet your request, the clarity it brings can be transformational.
It is extremely powerful because of several reasons.
First off, we usually don’t have an objective perspective of the situation, as we have built all kinds of assumptions and conclusions around it. Step one helps with that.
In addition, it allows us to communicate something that we usually do not communicate: our emotions about the situation. What exactly do we feel in this situation? Not always easy to label, but the model helps you to reflect and be clear on that as well. Very powerful because when you really understand what the other person is feeling, it’s almost impossible to not develop some empathy.
Thirdly, what we desire in that situation is also communicated, something we also often keep to ourselves or maybe even don't fully understand ourselves: what is it exactly that I want? The model makes this crystal clear as well.
And finally, you make a request. You ask to do or change something so that there is a chance for improvement, a chance for a change that brings you more peace, less frustration, or more happiness. Important here is that you cannot have the expectations that your request will be accepted by your conversation partner. Maybe he or she agrees, maybe not.
5. The Art of Active Listening
“The biggest communication problem is that we don’t listen to understand—we listen to reply.”
When we truly listen—with full attention and curiosity—something beautiful happens:
The other person feels heard
We become less judgmental
We remember the conversation better
We learn more
We build trust and empathy
You are completely focused on the other person and not one inch on yourself. By really listening actively, you also mitigate the challenge of the assumptions, interpretations and judgments we discussed in the beginning of this article.
When was the last time you really took the time to be present in a conversation like this, fully focused on listening and understanding?
Try this practice:
Agree with someone to practice 10–15 minutes of uninterrupted listening. This means you’re just being curious, asking questions, exploring and paying attention to what is being said in between the lines. No advice giving, no judgments, not trying to change or fix anything. Afterwards, reflect on what it was like—what worked, what was hard, what changed.
6. Mental Flexibility: Let Go of Being Right
When we feel truly heard (thanks to active listening), we soften. The more understood we feel, the less we cling to our opinions. This creates room for openness and flexibility—key ingredients of Adaptive Intelligence and emotional maturity.
Like a child running to you in fear—telling them not to be afraid rarely helps. But if you show understanding and listen with compassion, the fear often melts away. Adults are no different—just sometimes a bit more stubborn 😉.
Remember: this doesn’t mean we stop having strong opinions or become pushovers. It means we become more discerning and skillful in how and when we share them, and at the same time, we’re being more open to other points of view.
Wanting to be right all the time guarantees stress and frustration, so give yourself the gift of openess, empathy and kindness.
Final Thoughts
Improving the quality of your communication is one of the most powerful ways to enhance your relationships, performance, and wellbeing. It’s not about being perfect—it’s about building awareness, one conversation at a time.
So next time you’re in a dialogue—pause, listen, ask “Is it true?”, check your assumptions, and stay curious.
Here’s to a life where we say what needs to be said in a loving way, with tons of respect and curiosity for each other.
How Can I Support You?
If this resonated with you and you’d like guidance in this or in overcoming self-doubt, perfectionism, or creating meaningful change, drop me a message—I’d love to help.
Take the next step
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Jan Aquarius
Your happiness, my mission
#becurious #becourageous #beyourbest
